Some people always ask me,
or think,
why is Jan always smiling?
Why is she always so cheerful?
Well,
here goes my explanation...
I used to be really negative when I was much younger.
There was even a point of time where I
started slashing my wrist everytime
I was upset, mad or angry...
I used to show my depression & hate
for this world all out on my face.
I even hurt myself.
My own heart...
The more I stopped loving my world,
which I knew I had to live with everyday
and there was no escape from it,
the more i indulged in self pity.
I looked down on myself.
And I always told myself that I was so ugly.
No one would want me.
Then slowly I grew up.
I realised how much
hurting myself had hurt the people
around me who loved me so much,
& i love too.
I broke down and thought to myself.
Is this really worth it.
Creating these scars for an ugly memory,
was it really worth it?
Well, i didn't think so.
I stopped despising myself
& everything or anyone around me.
I started to try to love.
& each time i stumbled, I tried my best
to at least pick myself up again.
Or lean on someone for a moment,
instead of putting up a strong front.
Cause I realised we all need
someone to rely on
at certain times in our lives...
Being strong means having the courage to trust
someone & let that person help you.
Being strong doesn't mean
that you force yourself to be "independent"
by putting up a strong front trying to save youself
but you insides are miserable.
So what's the point.
From the day I realised whatever I did in the
past was stupid & a total mistake.
I decided to change.
To become a better person.
To smile everyday
Cause as they say laughter is the best medicine.
& I agree.
It took me long to find out,
to mature a little more,
to grow a little wiser.
I did all these a step at a time.
It may be fast to some ppl.
But to me, it's basic survival instinct.
I've grown up with that
thought instilled into my mind.
Nothing can change me now.
Nothing and no one can take away
the priceless smile.
I wanna smile everyday for everyone
who is sad,
for anyone who feels like this world is cruel.
For people who think that they're alone.
But in actual fact.
We're not alone.
Because we have friends, family
and most importantly,
we have ourself.
Maybe people may hate me for being me.
But it's fine.
I don't mind...
Cause everyone has their own point of view.
All I know is that
I love myself.
& that's enough love to have already.
But yes,
it's nice to have someone there with you.
everyday, to hold your hand
& to tell you "i love you".
i don't deny the fact that I'm lonely.
Cause I am.
& I think everyone deserves to feel wanted.
But sometimes i do question myself.
Does anyone really want
or need me here?
i really wish i knew the answer.
But i guess now, i won't know...
So that's how I feel about life.
It may not be how you feel.
But just respect my point of view.
Cause I'm sure I would respect yours.
*& this is the real JAN like it or not*
Labels: and i'm not afraid to tell it like it is.
